Fun Freshy fact: I have an advanced open water license for scuba diving, but shamefully, I can’t swim. GASP! I have this vague memory, in sepia overtones, of my dad trying to teach me. I think I was crying. Then flash forward to another memory, this one laced with a little more color, and it’s my swim instructor laughing at me because I was attempting to do the crawl-stroke and breathe like I how I’ve seen them do in the Olympics. Maybe I was exaggerating the breathing…but I don’t recall it being funny. I was very serious about my crawl stroke. Well, in any case, I’ve taken it up again. I hate that I’m only comfortable when my head is above the water when I’m standing (and trust me, it’s not that deep). But I’m so afraid. What am I supposed to do? Tread? Please.

Anyways, I will have all of you know that I’m quite enjoying my adult swim lessons very much. Aside from the fact that I only just learned about shoulder rolls in the fifth week of class from the substitute. Apparently I was doing it wrong the whole time and my instructor failed to mention that to me and the others in the class. But who cares. Point is, look at me! I can swim now…sorta…kinda like a sad gimpy fish with one eye. But hey, at least I’m maintaining some composure when I inhale chlorinated water up my nose. Ok, I don’t. But I always think I will. Oh, hell…who am I kidding? I can’t even make it across the width of the pool and back without panting like a mad, rabies-infested dog. I’m just now discovering that the 1/2 mile swim in the triathlon might very well be the death of me. Maybe I can somehow sneak fins….and floaties….or design some sort of jet propulsion system that will hide easily in my bathing suit. Until then, I guess I better work on my shoulder roll.

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